Am I in the “last chance saloon”?

Last Chance Saloon is the title of a novel by Irish author Marian Keyes. Published in 1999, it centres around the lives of best friends – Tara, Katherine and Fintan – who are living in London and trying (along with the other characters in the book) to navigate life and love in their 30s.

Which character did (and still do) I identify with?

I remember reading it a little over 9 years ago and that once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down and I couldn’t help laughing or crying while reading certain sections. As I read the 511-page book and examined my life, I realized that I had a lot in common with Katherine. And 9 years later, although I am not still in my 30s, I can still identify with her and a lot of what is explored in the novel. Katherine, the 'Ice Princess', as her co-workers call her, is a brilliant accountant and very independent woman, who unabashedly declares, “I’ve got a date with my remote control.” Truth be told, most of my spare time is spent with the remote control. At the beginning of the novel, when Tara points out to Katherine that it is about time she finds a boyfriend, her response is “I’m fine without one.” However, is that the truth or is she forcing herself to stay single? Am I fine without a boyfriend or am I forcing myself to be single by scaring all suitors away?

What do they say about women in their 30s and 40s?

At the time I read the book I was 35 and boy-friendless, and now I am 44 and still boy-friendless. Tara fears that boy-friendless women in their 30s become increasingly eccentric as they continue further into their single state. They develop odder and odder habits, coiling more tightly in on themselves. And if the perfect man eventually came along, they’d be too trapped in themselves to reach out and accept the hand that was stretched in liberation. In an online article What Women Over 40 Do and Don't Want from Their Men, the author and entrepreneur, Tonia Decosimo, states that after speaking to man men in their 40s, she found that most them look at women over 40 in two ways: "they're older and more mature and know what they want...", or they "are too old, single for a reason, and most likely difficult to deal with".

What am I really like?

Am I like the women described by Tara (a character in Last Chance Saloon) or Tonia (author of What Women Over 40 Do and Don't Want from Their Men)? Although I am no longer in my 30s, is Tara's description still applicable to me? Am I getting increasingly wrapped up in myself and my odd habits and thus doomed to a life of being single forever? Am I in the “last chance saloon” unable to find the exit door? Am I too picky, as some friends remark? Are my standards too high? Am I looking for what doesn’t exist? Am I so afraid of getting hurt that I am refusing to take a chance? Are the views espoused by the men Tonia spoke to applicable to me? Am I now older, more mature, and know what I want? Or am I too old and a challenge to deal with?

I am single, and I love being single. I love doing what I want, whenever I want, with whom I want – ME. I love not having to cook on weekdays and if I don’t feel like it, no cooking on the weekends either. After a long day at work, I love getting home to be by myself or to curl up on the sofa with my remote control. Do I get lonely? Yes, I do, especially when I spend the entire weekend at home alone or when it is raining cats and dogs. When the lonely thoughts arise, I try to turn my thoughts to other things or find something to do, like watch TV or read a book or go to bed. I look around and I see my friends married, in serious relationships, with children and, I think, is there something wrong with me? And the response is no. Nothing is wrong with me and other single women in their 40s, whether or not you are in a relationship. I have accepted that some of us may never get married, and that's okay. I may never have a child, and that's okay. I have nieces and I have god children and that's as close as I will get to practice my "maternal" skills. Natasha Bedingfield's song "Single" expresses exactly how I feel about being single.

What have been my relationship experiences? I haven’t been in a long-term relationship in a long time (I won't say exactly how long, however I will share that I have stopped counting). There have been however, a few short term relationships over the years. They all ended with very little fanfare or drama. In some cases the man ended the relationship. In others, I was the one calling it quits, and in others, the timing was wrong. Looking back to them – do I have any regrets? No. It’s no use having regrets. I can’t undo the past, I just have to pick up the pieces and move on. There have been several suitors over the years – some made it clear from the beginning that they were only interested in a physical relationship and were promptly rejected; some were persistently annoying, not seeming to understand the word ‘NO’ and it took a while for them to give up on their quest; others just did not possess the attributes I was looking for.

I refuse to settle. I refuse to be like Tara (one of the characters in the book), who is with a selfish, penny-pinching boyfriend. For fear of dumping him and never being able to find anybody else, Tara convinces herself that being miserable is better than being alone. Well, if I can’t find a guy who makes me happier with him than I am with myself, I prefer being alone. If I can’t find a guy who adds value to my life, I prefer being alone.

What do I want from a man?

I have been told that I need to find a man. Why do I need a man? Am I not better off avoiding all the drama that seems to come with relationships? Sometimes, especially when I listen to the complaints from my friends or read about the challenges associated with relationships, I think so. Does this response mean that I am doomed to be single forever? I hope not. Because I must admit that like Katherine, I would like to find the “ONE”. The ONE who makes me blush whenever he looks at me, the ONE who makes me feel like I am ‘the most beautiful girl in the world’. I want a guy who sees kissing as an art form and not just a precursor to the main event. I want a guy who will take some time to understand me emotionally and intellectually before wanting to get intimately (physically) involved. As I have a told a few girlfriends “I want a guy who wants to make love to my mind before he wants to make love to my body”.

Am I asking for too much? Am I being ridiculous? I don’t think so. I want what I want and I will settle for nothing less. If that means that I will be stuck in the “last chance saloon” for yet another decade, then so be it. I will just make sure I am never out of batteries for my remote control.

Love, laughter and light!